12/15/20 feeling down
I am trying. I'm trying to stay up, stay connected with the spirit, stay close to my feelings and body. I'm trying to stay close to love and goodwill and have compassion for my situation. But I am feeling down. I am feeling down through all of the work: the gratitude practice, the exercise, the music and dedication to the craft. I am feeling down and the smallest things are hitting me with such force that I'm not able to recover and move on. I can't problem solve in this state because a problem doesn't feel like something to be solved. It feels like the end of the road. And truthfully I don't even want to journal about this because it feels like ruminating on the situation might be inviting even more sadness in. It feels like the sadness and the rumination are the same trip- both lies that my mind is caught in. I think there must be something somewhere within me that I am not acknowledging and this is keeping me in the state I'm in. It's the lies. The lies I've told. It makes me sick to feel myself lying like I have. It's like my dream last night: I'm in jail and I'm trying to escape, digging and digging with a flat stone as my only tool, getting nowhere. Man, I don't even feel of this world! How do I get on from this? How do I move forward? Do I treat myself? Let go? Let go of what?
I don't know what it is that I'm holding onto that's keeping me below the surface. I feel annoyed at my condition. I have to remember that this isn't MY condition. This is not me. This is an energy that exists and I am witnessing the experience. And I'm suffering because I'm not feeling how I want to feel. I feel apathetic. Every move I make seems to bring on more of this feeling. I am up tight. Not relaxed. I am closed off. Hiding. Seeking comfort. Craving something other than this. Anything other than this. It's getting bad. And I don't want any of it. Don't want to be here. I'm in a prison. Where is my freedom? Where is it? Is it in this moment of doing nothing? Maybe so. But what about the other moments? I suppose I can't think about that: this moment is the only one. I can't help but think that I am experiencing Karmic energy. And what do I need to do to address it, to balance the energy? Help.