• Gregory Allison

12/18/20 feeling down II

There is nothing worse than hating yourself. Nothing. There is nothing more pointless that we can do in this life. To expend energy toward disliking what we are is the worst way to carry on. There is no point. And yet I do it. I sit here and talk to myself and hate it, hate every moment of it. I hate that I'm even writing about this. Who is this person? Why is he so damaged? Why can't he see the greater picture? This is who I am. Face it. Don't deny it. This is the asshole I am. I'm no good in so many ways. This hatred, this depression, this self pitying. I'm pissed. I'm really pissed, man. I'm angry. I'm furious. Angry at the world. Angry with what I've become. Angry at all the shit I've never faced, never acknowledged, never shown to anyone. I'm pissed that I've pretended to be a cool and collected nice guy all the time. I'm pissed that I can't show this side of me. It's ugly. Who wants to be around a Rager? Who wants to be friends with someone who lets them down? Who can't be on time? Who can't get anything done? Who breaks shit and burns bridges? This anger: why do I deny it? Let it out please! Please let it out and let it pass. Kick and moan and scream and pass it though. Why so stuck? Why not express?

I can't be around people. Can't let my friends in. Everyone is annoying. I don't like any of them. And most of all, I don't like that about myself. What's gotta change? I guess I could just be an asshole and not care, not try to hold anything back. Fuck it. Burn the bridge. If thats what it comes to, I've gotta do it. Can't keep running. It'll always be there, always catching up. Boston, Vermont, SF, Portland, LA- it goes with me. I try to escape, start anew. But that doesn't work. That does nothing.

I don't want to let people down. Don't want to cancel. Don't want them to see me like this. Don't want anyone to see me for who I am. This is what is happening. It's not who I am. It's passing through. It's happening, and I'm experiencing. Maybe it's karma. Who knows. Who cares? This is where I'm at. I'm not a saint. Fucking let it be! I'm not a buddha. Forget that. It's a lie. The tarot is right. It's fucking right. I am lying. I am a liar. This is shit. I can't see. I can't help anyone, not even me.

I'm only angry at the things that I love. I only want to destroy that which I am closest to. All else, I don't care enough. I don't care enough about what I don't love to hate it. These feelings are strongly opposing and that opposition is required to fuel the feeling. I only want to hurt what I love the most. What the hell?! Where does that come from? What put that energy into motion and how and why am I playing it out now? My desires are so strong right now. I want the banana that's in the bowl front of me. Why am I craving this banana so badly?

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