Nothing ever happens. Or, rather, it is always happening. And so nothing can happen while it is happening because it- whatever that is- would have to stop happening for it to happen and it never stops happening. So that's all there is. Sometimes it's enthralling. Sometimes boring. Sometimes agitating. There doesn't seem to be anything in particular to DO. Everything is taken care of. Am I completely crazy?! Am I just so far distanced from society that I actually believe there's nothing to do when everyone else seems to be running around and DOING all the time? I mean, what is this? What have I gotten into? Pleasure seeking, waiting for the future to come, satiating cravings: it's all a drag. The only redeeming feeling comes from knowing that so many others are doing it too. Or not doing it. That is the part that makes it worthwhile: everyone doing nothing together. What a trip.
- Jan 19, 2021
There is nothing worse than hating yourself. Nothing. There is nothing more pointless that we can do in this life. To expend energy toward disliking what we are is the worst way to carry on. There is no point. And yet I do it. I sit here and talk to myself and hate it, hate every moment of it. I hate that I'm even writing about this. Who is this person? Why is he so damaged? Why can't he see the greater picture? This is who I am. Face it. Don't deny it. This is the asshole I am. I'm no good in so many ways. This hatred, this depression, this self pitying. I'm pissed. I'm really pissed, man. I'm angry. I'm furious. Angry at the world. Angry with what I've become. Angry at all the shit I've never faced, never acknowledged, never shown to anyone. I'm pissed that I've pretended to be a cool and collected nice guy all the time. I'm pissed that I can't show this side of me. It's ugly. Who wants to be around a Rager? Who wants to be friends with someone who lets them down? Who can't be on time? Who can't get anything done? Who breaks shit and burns bridges? This anger: why do I deny it? Let it out please! Please let it out and let it pass. Kick and moan and scream and pass it though. Why so stuck? Why not express?
I can't be around people. Can't let my friends in. Everyone is annoying. I don't like any of them. And most of all, I don't like that about myself. What's gotta change? I guess I could just be an asshole and not care, not try to hold anything back. Fuck it. Burn the bridge. If thats what it comes to, I've gotta do it. Can't keep running. It'll always be there, always catching up. Boston, Vermont, SF, Portland, LA- it goes with me. I try to escape, start anew. But that doesn't work. That does nothing.
I don't want to let people down. Don't want to cancel. Don't want them to see me like this. Don't want anyone to see me for who I am. This is what is happening. It's not who I am. It's passing through. It's happening, and I'm experiencing. Maybe it's karma. Who knows. Who cares? This is where I'm at. I'm not a saint. Fucking let it be! I'm not a buddha. Forget that. It's a lie. The tarot is right. It's fucking right. I am lying. I am a liar. This is shit. I can't see. I can't help anyone, not even me.
I'm only angry at the things that I love. I only want to destroy that which I am closest to. All else, I don't care enough. I don't care enough about what I don't love to hate it. These feelings are strongly opposing and that opposition is required to fuel the feeling. I only want to hurt what I love the most. What the hell?! Where does that come from? What put that energy into motion and how and why am I playing it out now? My desires are so strong right now. I want the banana that's in the bowl front of me. Why am I craving this banana so badly?
- Jan 18, 2021
I am trying. I'm trying to stay up, stay connected with the spirit, stay close to my feelings and body. I'm trying to stay close to love and goodwill and have compassion for my situation. But I am feeling down. I am feeling down through all of the work: the gratitude practice, the exercise, the music and dedication to the craft. I am feeling down and the smallest things are hitting me with such force that I'm not able to recover and move on. I can't problem solve in this state because a problem doesn't feel like something to be solved. It feels like the end of the road. And truthfully I don't even want to journal about this because it feels like ruminating on the situation might be inviting even more sadness in. It feels like the sadness and the rumination are the same trip- both lies that my mind is caught in. I think there must be something somewhere within me that I am not acknowledging and this is keeping me in the state I'm in. It's the lies. The lies I've told. It makes me sick to feel myself lying like I have. It's like my dream last night: I'm in jail and I'm trying to escape, digging and digging with a flat stone as my only tool, getting nowhere. Man, I don't even feel of this world! How do I get on from this? How do I move forward? Do I treat myself? Let go? Let go of what?
I don't know what it is that I'm holding onto that's keeping me below the surface. I feel annoyed at my condition. I have to remember that this isn't MY condition. This is not me. This is an energy that exists and I am witnessing the experience. And I'm suffering because I'm not feeling how I want to feel. I feel apathetic. Every move I make seems to bring on more of this feeling. I am up tight. Not relaxed. I am closed off. Hiding. Seeking comfort. Craving something other than this. Anything other than this. It's getting bad. And I don't want any of it. Don't want to be here. I'm in a prison. Where is my freedom? Where is it? Is it in this moment of doing nothing? Maybe so. But what about the other moments? I suppose I can't think about that: this moment is the only one. I can't help but think that I am experiencing Karmic energy. And what do I need to do to address it, to balance the energy? Help.